breakthrough in relationship

What a blessing to get breakthrough in relationship with God today! To be in your presence God and be enjoying being loved by You, and loving You. This is really what I was made for and why I live and breath and was created. It came on the back of total despair and dissatisfaction, and I see now that this was bringing me to the end of myself and getting me surrendered to God.  

We have been entering into a season of study and seeing God and have been feeling it was right to strip away all the entertainments and little pleasures that we fill our lives with normally. This seemed like a good idea at first, to have a day filled with study of the word and praying through the themes in the bible, then to commit to Seak God more in our spare time and worship together then to throw in a bit of fasting and stop watching movies. Its seemed a good idea because We believe that there are superior pleasures of loving God and this is what we where made for and that they are better than the permissible pleasures of Life. That Gods “love is really better than wine” (wine standing for the best pleasures life has). But it has ben the most painful month or so, firstly because I have not known what to talk to God about in all this prayer and worship time, after singing for a bit I talk about what is on my heart which is often the areas where I am not doing so well and how I would like to be more like Him, this was good for a bit but after a while talking about how sinful and weak I am has got very very dull. I didn’t realise how much of my prayer life was about me and talking about how useless I was, it must be really very dull and boring, God has cooperated with me though and talked every day about me. I have introspected and asked him to join in and He has revealing many failures and weaknesses, occasionally He has shown me a little about Himself and that has made me feel even worse. Also I have put a lot a lot of effort into praying and studying and worshiping and felt it has been fruitless and left me only with more understanding of my junk and baggage. 

Eventually I have got so dejected with spending hours looking at how useless I am and being the one who has to come up with all the ideas of what to pray about and focus on, that I got pretty annoyed with God. So I asked Him what was happening and remembered that yesterday as I was ministering to this guy I encouraged Him not to introspect as much and to let God be the one who searched him and knew Him and to trust God with when that was necessary. I realised I had been self focused in Gods presence and spent so much time talking and examining myself that there was little room for anything else. I asked God what He would like to talk about and I felt that He said that He would like to talk about Himself and how amazing Jesus is.  Which was exactly what I wanted! but I realised I had wanted to be the initiator of this and not wait for God to initiate, to draw my heart.  

Why hadn’t I wanted to wait for God? I realised because I didn’t like His leadership style, especially in the area of being very slow at times. I would come into His presence and wait for Him to reveal a scripture to me and He would do absolutely nothing and say absolutely nothing for ages and ages. I mean what kind of leadership style is that, its just slack and inefficient. I realised that I had to submit to Him in it though, and if that is the way that He wanted to lead then I must wait until He leads into something rather than running ahead and reading through stuff, praying what I though I should and looking at what I could focus on without Him revealing or directing by the Holy Spirit. This could mean sitting with Him for ages and not being efficient with my time and generally not being in control of what was happening, ouch! I do want Jesus to be the leader of my life, for him to “draw me” and for us to “run together” with Him as the initiator. So if I want Him to lead I will have to wait for Him to lead and not start doing my own thing when he is slower than I would like. Also let Him decide what He wants to talk about and wait for Him to tell me 

So I gave in and let Him lead He didn’t make me wait He started strait away speaking to me about Himself a subject worth focusing on. He started in John 1:1  “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.”There are so many facets to this verse I am sure but I felt God underlining His character through this verse. His name is the Word, the log’os. He speaks out the Mind and Heart of the Father, He speaks, He is the words of the father spoken out, He loves to speak!. That is so reassuring for me as a man who is known for the gift and enjoyment of chatting and speaking. I am in the image of my Lord and God who,   from the beginning He has been known as the one who speaks. And this also comforts me as I wait (for what seems like ages sometimes) that He who is known as the Word of God, the one who loves to speak will speak to me, that is worth waiting for the uncreated God speaking to me. Speak Speak! Holy Spirit reveal to me what words the living Word is saying. Thank you Jesus for speaking to me Thank You I am so Grateful. Amen

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